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Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Form Letter--Check All That Apply

by folkbum

Congratulations, [ ]Anti-Choice Groups [x]Business Interests [ ]Homophobes , on the purchase of your [ ]Congressman [ ]Amendment [x]Supreme Court Justice .

We regret that in the course of negotiating your purchase, you had to [x]lie [x]exploit people's fears [ ]show yourself to be the bigot you are [x]drag the level of public discourse down to its lowest point ever [x]destroy the reputation of upstanding citizens . As you must surely know, you cannot make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.

While your investment of [ ]tens of millions [x]millions [ ]hundreds of thousands of dollars may seem like a lot right now, rest assured, you will find the dividends to be many times greater in the near future.

Within just a few short months, you should notice [x]greater freedom to take advantage of the general public [x]opportunities to rape and pillage the environment [x]an increasing number of innocent people in jail [ ]the ability to discriminate freely against groups you dislike [x]bigger profits or similar benefits. We cannot guarantee these specific results, of course; however, no refunds are available should your purchase [ ]be ruled unconstitutional [x]prove transparently phony [x]act embarrassing in public .

Rest assured, should you be dissatisfied with the service your purchase provides in the near term, there will be another opportunity to [x]buy an election [ ]pass more ridiculous amendments [ ]lobby for your bottom line [x]recruit a more pliable candidate within the next year.

In the meantime, we encourage you to consider purchasing one of our other fine products, including our complete line of local officials, state legislators, media figures, "public" interest groups, and favorable legislation. In fact, for the right price, we will even let you write the legislation that concerns your interests. Contact our office for a complete price list.

Thank you for your continued patronage. We look forward to doing business with you again.

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