Stone Phillips has been let go by NBC

So says Tim Cuprisin. No word yet on what it was Phillips said about Eugene Kane to get himself fired.

If only Tommy! had used his veto pen for this . . .

by folkbum

English teachers are hereafter granted a greater salary!

found word english on Page 42, Line 53, Position 6
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found word are on Page 176, Line 21, Position 15
found word hereafter on Page 182, Line 50, Position 24
found word granted on Page 182, Line 81, Position 18
found word a on Page 183, Line 14, Position 18
found word greater on Page 216, Line 40, Position 24
found word salary on Page 226, Line 15, Position 1

I admit it, the VetoMatic is cute. But nothing Jim Doyle did during the last biennium is as bad as what Tommy! did, which prompted, what, two, three lawsuits?

Bucher: My Wife Does Not Look Fat in That Dress

by folkbum

Waukesha County (Dissociated Press)--In response to a Waukesha Freeman essay written by his wife, Jessica McBride, former Waukesha County District Attorney Paul Bucher (left) called a press conference today to assure everyone that McBride "does not look fat in that dress."

McBride's essay, which was published over the weekend, was laudatory of her husband and his career as Waukesha County's "top cop."

"The guy’s curriculum vitae is something like 40 pages long," McBride wrote. "Meals on Wheels. DARE. Crimestoppers. Boy Scouts. You name it. One recent year, he stood outside the Pick ‘n Save ringing bells in the cold for the Salvation Army.

"He was that kind of prosecutor."

Bucher, clearly embarrassed by the awkward public praise provided by his wife, said he felt the need to do something in return.

"Jessica is such a great wife," he said at the press conference this morning. "There's nothing I wouldn't do for her, even lie if I have to."

After presenting a photo of his wife wearing the dress in question (right), Bucher made his declaration: "My wife does not look fat in that dress. She just does not. I'm serious."

Bucher's statement also included some more things he wanted to make sure his wife was aware of. "That leak in the basement," he said, "I'll get to it next week."

He added, "And I wasn't looking at that red-head, I swear."

Bucher took only a few questions after he made his prepared statement. Some of the reporters in the room seemed incredulous. "Look, I will not say anything else about it," Bucher said, after being pressed by reporters. "This press conference is over."

McBride could not be reached for comment.

An Imaginary Spin

****FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE****

The Bush Administration's Treasury Department has just completed a study that reports great news. The president's tax cut strategy will result in a decrease in tax revenue of more that $44 trillion dollars.

"This is a great day for America," President Bush said as he unveiled the study. "The government will continue to take less and less of taxpayers' hard-earned money, leaving Americans with the dollars in their pockets to spend as they choose, not as the government chooses."

"In fact," the president continued, "this $44 trillion reduction means that every man, woman, and child in this country receives an average $173,333 tax cut. That's $173,333 to spend on food, automobiles, houses and other products people want and need."

Any questions about the president's tax cut package will be treated with suspiscion and will result in a loss of civil liberties.

****OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE****

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The Democrats' Summer Softball League

With nine candidates, I've been enjoying the idea this past week of casting them as a softball team instead. So, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together while your Democrats take the field!

Leading off tonight, that fleet-of-toungue Al Sharpton, whose on-base percentage resonates with the public but whose slugging percentage has been low of late. Whatever team he's played for, though, he has made a good shortstop.

Batting second, far left-fielder Dennis Kucinich, whose strength may lie in advancing runners--single-payer health care, smaller defense budgets--but he has trouble driving them home. The fans often complain that he yells too darn much.

The meat of the line-up starts with our third batter, Dick Gephardt. He's got a long and distinguished career behind hin, although some fans question his ability to pull the trigger lately. He's still a quite capable catcher, though, tossing back the pitcher's ideas and every once in a while nailing a runner stealing second.

Batting clean-up and pitching tonight, Howard Dean. Dean continues to set the pace in this softball game, finding that others respond to the agenda that he sets and often model their play after his. He still has, in this reporter's opinion, the best slugging percentage on the team, able to connect with the ball far more often than not. But his teammates--and, frankly, some fans--worry about the number of strikeouts he's had at the plate latley.

After Dean, the first-baseman John Kerry steps up. His ravalry with teammate Dean is well documented, by Kerry holds his own both in the lineup and on the field. If we could get Dean and Kerry to work together to pick runners off of first, that would be an awesome sight.

Batting sixth is the team's only woman and second baseman, Carol Mosely-Braun. She provides solid offense, able to connect with pitches, like the P.A.T.R.I.O.T. A.C.T., that other players find difficult, and she's good at starting the double play. She's been traded a lot, though, and hasn't spent a lot of time with any one team.

Seventh is centerfielder Bob Graham, whose ability to cover a lot of territory in the outfield is without question a forte. He's been on the disabled list lately, though, and we just weren't sure that he'd been rarin' to go by the end of srping training, but it looks like he made it.

Our penulitimate batter in the line-up tonight is third baseman John Edwards. Edwards is just up from the minors, and the coaches all think he has great potential. We've seen some flashy stuff out in the field, with his good ball-handling skills down the line, and this year in the line-up will give him a great deal of maturity to be a team leader in coming seasons.

Finally, right-fielder Joe Lieberman rounds out the batting order. He's a fan favorite, but this reporter, for one, worries that he will never again hit a home run.

In the bullpen, of course, we have Wesley Clark, Hilary Rodham Clinton, Gary Hart, and Al Gore--but Gore's got that sore shoulder; apparently he was carrying quite the weight a while back and hasn't recovered. Hart swears he will never play again, but he's got his fans. And Hilary's waiting until she can be a starter before she puts on the uniform. It's Clark who we may see in the stretch.

Manager Terry McAuliffe is proud of the team this year, though the coaches are providing a lot of conflicting advice about where the team should be going. But here's one reporter feeling pretty confident that, with the depth of talent on the team and real weaknesses of their opponents, the Democrats can win the penant this year.

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