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Pay no attention to the people behind the curtain

Monday, March 20, 2006

Murder Most Swine

I know I'm going to catch a lot of heat for this, but I can't sit by any longer without saying something.

I believe Dennis Pork was murdered.

The evidence is all there, but the M-S-M is too busy with basketball and the latest Brett Favre rumors to put the pieces togther. Consider:
  • Dennis Pork is one of only a few people who know Dennis York's true identity.
  • I have seen Dennis Pork handing out cigarettes to staff in exchange for votes in the Blogger of the Year competition.
  • The cloven-hoofprints in the mud next to the vans with slashed tires that I'd rented for my campaign vounteers to drive to Madison and bribe the staff with cigarettes are probably Dennis Pork's, though I'm sure now that he's dead, we'll never know the truth.
  • The photograph of his death scene seems staged. Consider: Dennis Pork does not have opposable thumbs, so how could he have used that razor?
  • severely edited the video of his acceptance speech (ostensibly to hide Dennis York's true identity), and now has pulled the video from its site. I believe that, had we been allowed to watch the rest of the video, Dennis Pork would have said he was being held hostage, and would be killed unless conservatives finally found a voice in the "mainstream media." He did, after all, begin the video by holding up a copy of that day's Wisconsin State Journal, about Mark Pocan's Pontiac, as if to prove he was still alive on that day.
  • Jeff Mayers is a ninja, and could have made it look like an accident.
Now, I know that some of this is circumstantial, but, as a blogger, I feel duty-bound to sieze on the smallest piece of evidence that supports what I believe while ignoring everything else, even if those facts might be contradictory to my opinion.

As I said, I believe Dennis Pork was murdered, and I will not stop until the Cheddarsphere can claim a conviction for the man who did it as a victory, like ethanol, the gas tax, and Nicole Devlin. In fact, I promise you that I will not rest--I will not leave my basement!--until Dennis Pork's killer is brought to justice.

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