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Pay no attention to the people behind the curtain

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

And Then There Were Ten

by folkbum

Well, Fred Thompson exited stage right today, which leaves, if we don't count Alan Keyes--and, really, who does?--ten candidates. That takes the number of theoretical match-ups down to a mere 25, with maybe 6 really possible. However, an even five folks on each side means I can pair one D up with one R; so here are some general election match-ups I'd like to see:
  • Hillary Clinton v. Rudy 9u11iani, wherein the voters can base their decision on who looks better in a dress;
  • Mike Gravel v. Ron Paul, in what you might call the Abraham J. Simpson Memorial Coot-Off;
  • Dennis Kucinich v. Willard "Mitt" Romney, so we can learn whether people would rather vote for someone who believes the Book of Mormon or someone who believes the books of Shirley MacLaine;
  • John Edwards v. Mike Huckabee, in a contest that will remind us more of a "Hee-Haw" skit than an election, and which will propel America into a depression over the collective realization that we remember "Hee-Haw";
  • Barack Obama v. John McCain, which will take on mythic, archetypal proportions, given that Obama is McCain's illegitimate son.
On another note, I want to ask the media to make an adjustment for the next Democratic debate. We know that the candidates are too nice to each other when they're sitting down, and they're too mean when they're standing up. So please, for the next debate, bar stools.

If anyone wants to predict the Dems in South Carolina this weekend, go ahead. My prediction is simply this: South Carolina doesn't matter. John Edwards will be third, and either of the two other candidates have good "so what if I lost" narratives that they can flog until February 5--when this thing will probably be decided.

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